It’s been a month of sad news, almost daily it seems. The unexpected death of a dear, sweet man, who came back from the pit of death once before only to be led there once again, far too soon. A young woman who’s womb will no longer be able to bear life as she and her family wait with bated breath hoping her one child will live. A mother and father who wait vigilant at their young son’s bedside, a little boy younger than mine, who is battling for his life. The solemn words, “stage 4” that punch you in the gut when they are uttered and wondering what the journey will be ahead. A young woman’s life, who on the outside is articulate, strong, hospitable and full of love, but who’s heart on the inside is weighed down with grief and despair that is too hard to carry on anymore. And for me, saying goodbye to yet another dear friend, and all this news stirring up the grief I have borne myself over these last years.
How is it with my soul? I feel sorrow and I mourn. The pain and brokenness of this life felt acutely on the surface. And I cry out as the Psalmist did, why O Lord, why?
I sat with Psalm 139 today. It’s words familiar and safe, a warm blanket to wrap around a tired soul. God’s answer to my why, today and every day, look up dear child, look up and know that I AM. When the days seem dark, they are light to me. When you do not know, I have already written it. When you don’t even know yourself, I formed you when you were nothing, knitting every detail together into a wonderful work, a person of beauty. I AM.
Lately, I’ve been embracing the word mystery. To embrace mystery means to let go of control. To embrace mystery means to sink deeper into Love. To embrace mystery means to plant myself more strongly onto the foundation of Hope. To embrace mystery is to trust.
“How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
I try to count them–they are more than the sand;
I come to the end–I am still with you.”